December. 2013. Another December.
I remember took this photo some two years ago. This is the backyard of my parents in law’s house. I was so fascinated by my surroundings I kept taking pictures although it was really really cold. This is not actually my first December or my first winter in Germany. I always came here in Winter. Was not planned. Just happened to be so.
There were time when I was somewhere else as well during December month. However no matter where I was, am, or perhaps will, December has always been the month reflections. Actually, a month with a lot of questions. From questions like ‘what have I done this year’ to ‘ Have I actually did all my resolutions from last year?’ sort of things. Oh yes. Just like other people, I ‘collected’ resolutions every end of the year. Some I did successfully. Some..well..gone with the wind. And I actually felt bad, when this gone with the wind happened. It felt worse, because I am mostly organized. And sometimes, December is scary! And what happened normally afterwards, is me making more and more lists. More and more resolutions to achieved.
Well this December, the routine is the same. Yesterday when I realize that it is indeed already December, I started to think back of what my life have become during this year. One quick answer that show up in my brain is the word happy. Yep. I am happy. Have I actually did all the things on my list? Nope. Not really. Do I feel bad? Surprisingly not!
I noticed that last December was still a scary December for me. After spending so much time dealing with bureaucracy, finally our permit to get married was out. Since October last year, apart from bureaucracy, I also have to take care of a lot of things back home, preparing to leave my family, leave my dog, leave my friends, leave my house. There were a long lists. But I did all that. Then I came to this beautiful country. I have a list too. A plan. A resolutions. For this year.
Some of the things on the lists was included mastering the new language as soon as possible, getting this internship at one company as a fashion stylist (this one is not working out, you can read the story here ) and set up a new home for both of us here. On the list it was only three sentences separated by bulleted icons, in real life it was much more.
I pushed my self so much with learning. I started since January this year, and within six months of learning I have already speak very fluently and able to communicate with other people, passed language exam with almost perfect score (only made one mistake), and by the end of the seven month I got a job in a famous fashion brand which requires me to speak the language everyday (well this last one was not planned).
The setting up home it self also was very quick. Only three months after marriage my man and I have succeeded transforming our three bedroom city apartment into a lovely nest for both of us. We got everything we need to have this place run on daily basis. We were even lucky to have done most of the soft furnishing too. It turned out to be a lovely new home for both of us.
I thought, well, great. Everything seemed to worked out. Then I realize, or more exactly, my husband realize that I ‘changed’. Especially a few months back, since I started working. Even before then. I cried without any reasons. I became very sensitive. I got tired really easy. I did not feel the same power anymore. The language class became a bit annoying. And all of those little things. He told me to have a break from learning language.I pushed my self too much. I said no. I said I have my plan. I will have to go through with it! (The plan is to study until end of the year, then go back to Indonesia, and started working after coming back here again).
I said, i can handle it. Learning language, part-time job, this house, you to take care of. It’s nothing. I use to be more busy than this (which is true). But actually things started to got worse. So then thats it. I started to realize that perhaps, my man is right. So after thinking it very carefully, I decided to stop going to language school, and decided to learn by my self instead. Once I was final with the decision, some burdens disappear.
I got to think more clearly about my life for this year. Understand my feelings better. One thing I finally accept, it is not quite a big of a deal at first but yes, it is hard being away from your loved ones. Your family, your dog, your friends. It is also quite difficult to adjust to cold weather when you have constant sun whole year round. It is also not very easy to adapt to a new human being living with you everyday. Since most of our three and a half year course was a distance relationship, there are of course some things we needed to adjust to by living together. Especially since before the marriage, we use to live alone at our own place. Although it is working -mostly-peacefully by now, marriage is work.
So thinking all that, I guess this December I am going to do it a little different way. I will still make a list..God I still am a moody perfectionist hahahahaha! Perhaps a little shorter and a little bit more rational.
After all, actually this year I am quite busy. I got married. I moved to a different continent. I set up a lovely home. I learn a difficult language. I got a job. Come to think of it, it is enough for a year 🙂