Approaching New Year made me think about time. How I have love-hate relationship with it. How can it be one of the most important aspect of – well- at least my life, at least-well-most of the time. Time defined my life. My existence. Things. No. Really. Everyday, I am running my life, doing things, depend on what time that is. Every month, as I looked at my messy writings and stupid drawing on my agenda, I kept looking at numbers and days and how those actually created one, two, three little part of my existence. I am Eve. 35. ( that is because I was born in the time when the number wrote 1979). I work today from 10 to 6. Shit I have to sleep the latest 12 if I wanna show up fresh the next day. I eat pasta on Monday at 8 pm. I met a friend a month ago when my hair was an inch shorter and there was pimple on my nose. Two months later the pimple was gone and I went to the cinema. I slept two nights ago only for five hours. Fuck I forgot his birthday. Congratulations! My niece got pregnant. Shit..shit..shit..why oh why did my dog has to die two months before I fly back home!
It is fascinating to think and stupidly realise how time defined my life. My existence. How can it be one of the most important thing. How I feel that sometimes I am racing with it. For a memory that almost fade. For dreams that are still floating. How I sometimes try with my last effort after a long day to gasp a little few minutes before the clock said 11 and my body gave signal to jump to bed, just to write down something. To not forget something. To keep the same speed as it is.
Well, there were times in my life when time were not really that important. I got my heart broken once. I stayed in bed eating craps for I don’t know how long. My best guess was two days. I did not shower. I did not look at the clock. Or phone. I did not know what time or day that was. Cliché, but happened. When I get sick, time does not matter. I laid on my bed with used tissues and a red nose that resemblance an elephant when it made a noise. I did not check the phone. Nor the clock. I watch crap movies until I fell asleep. All I know was I was sick. I needed to heal. I was having all the time in the whole world. Who cares what day it was. I went for a holiday. A month passed.
Time is one of the most loyal thing throughout my existence. No matter how I treat it, no matter how hectic I am, how relaxed I am, no matter if I do give a shit or not, it gives me 24 hours. 7 days. 4 weeks. twelve months. Then (feels like suddenly), there is a new number everywhere. The dates are changing with days. New spirits in every corner. New resolutions.
How I love resolutions. I have been writing to do things and resolutions since I was a little skinny brown skin little girl with small eyes, full brain and lots of dreams. It vary from year to year. There was a long list. Bulleted items. Or items with number. All the usual. From I will be a good daughter when I was a child to I will read more books when I am 22. I will study as hard as I can when I was 15 to I will finish this fucking fashion school when I was 30. I will exercise more when I was 25,26,27,28,29,30,31 to I will be a better wife when I was 33. When I looked back, I wonder who that woman was. And if she already felt that she did it. Whatever she was meant to do. What time had made of her.
I could not remember anymore what I did Mach 10, 2002. Nor I can remember why I broke up with a certain somebody. I remember some of my achievements. I remember as a little girl what my mother and my father taught me. I remember my first pink bicycle. I remember how I love my golden retriever Louie so much, I worked so hard to buy a place, so we wouldn’t move all the time and he can have his forever home. He was buried there a week ago. It is his forever home. This is something I will always remember, no matter what time says.
As every other year I bought a new agenda. As every other year I wear a watch on my wrist. As every other year, time has stunned me. But not like every other year, I am done with many undone resolutions. I am done with stupid insensitive people. I am done with self pity and wasting time. I am done with postponing, taking things for granted and forgot to feel blessed. I am done not taking care of my self better and always making excuses. I am done with fake wisdom and useless notes and to do lists. I am done lying to my self. I am done having patience for my version self who are too comfortable with her comfort zone and refuse to try and be boring. I am done, letting time passed without feeling content. I am done, letting time won the race.
I am 35. This is 2015. I will not be lazy.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Cover photo by Annie Spratt